De prin Romania, amuzante

2017/04/10

Nu intotdeauna viata se termina cu moartea. Uneori se termina cu nunta.

Daca nu înjuri când conduci, înseamna ca nu esti atent la drum …

Statisticile arata ca 25% dintre femei iau medicamente pentru afectiuni psihice.
Asta este groaznic! Inseamna ca 75% dintre ele traiesc in societate fara nici un fel de tratament !

Barbatii sunt ca fierul de calcat. Te aburesc pâna te ard !

Statistica divorturilor arata ca parintii care fug de acasa sunt mult mai multi decât copiii.

Femeia care gateste bine îl va gasi întotdeauna pe barbatul care manânca mult.

Când sotia tace mult timp înseamna ca are foarte multe de spus …

Pe lume îti e sortita cu adevarat numai o singura femeie, iar daca n-o întâlnesti esti salvat !

Mai dulce decât orice femeie e prietena sa.

– I-am cumparat sotiei mele o pereche de cercei cu diamante luna trecuta, iar ea n-a mai vorbit cu mine de atunci… ii zic unui amic.
– De ce nu?! ma intreaba el.
– Asa a fost intelegerea… i-am raspuns.

Bula, la reuniunea de 20 de ani, se adreseaza fostilor lui dascali:
– Mai stimati profesori. Ma tot framânta o întrebare: Chiar atât de imbecil eram, de ma tot lasati corijent ??
– Vaaai, dar se poate, domnule ministru ?!?

Descoperire stiintifica: Românii bolnavi se trag din români sanatosi care au mers la un control medical !

Cât ar fi de perfecte, computerele nu vor putea niciodata înlocui prostia umana.

Argentinienii sunt de parere ca Bucurestiul este cel mai mare oras pe care l-au vizitat vreodata. Pâna la Arena Nationala au mers 3 ore jumate cu taxiul.

Românii de la sate cer noi alegeri, pentru ca li s-au terminat uleiul si faina.

Bursa fortei de munca: Studio de filme porno angajeaza impotent pentru rolul eroului negativ.

Din propria experienta: daca, vreodata, vedeti cum de pe pervaz cade un cactus, lasati-l sa cada …

Daca stii meserie, oricând poti deveni amantul ideal. Cele mai cautate sunt de instalator, postas, electrician, zugrav, instructor auto …

Am citit ca statul mult pe scaun scurteaza viata, asa ca stau întins.

Putin a declarat ca de fapt trupele rusesti n-au vrut sa invadeze Ucraina, dar foloseau Google Maps.

– Chelner, vreau sa comand un muschi de vitel în sînge. Sa fie foarte proaspat, din partea de la mijloc si sa nu aiba nici un fel de grasime.
– N-ati precizat ce grupa sangvina preferati..

A arunca mucurile de tigara pe geam este o dovada de proasta educatie.
Acestea pot nimeri in oamenii nevinovati care urineaza sub fereastra.

Mosul si baba adorau sa se joace de v-ati ascunselea. Baba dimineata ascundea tuica, iar daca pâna seara mosul nu o gasea, venea rândul babei sa se ascunda..

– Cu ce se ocupa barbata-tu, Leano?
– E sticlar!
– Aha… Dar inca se mai practica meseria asta in zilele noastre ??
– Ei as, cum sa nu?! La noi in sat, cel putin, e cea mai la moda. Oriunde mergi, dai mereu peste unu’ cu sticla’n mâna!

In autocar un pasager isi scoate piciorul din pantof, spunând:
– Mi-a amortit piciorul…
Alt pasager:
– Dupa cum miroase, e mort demult…

Un reporter, pe strada:
– Buna ziua! Cred ca stiati deja, astazi este ziua domnului presedinte. Vreti sa ii urati ceva?
– Pai… da: La multi ani! Cu executare!

Doua fetite faceau un om de zapada.
Prima: – Acum e gata, acum e gata!!!!
A doua: – Ma duc repede în casa sa aduc un morcov!!!
Prima: – Adu doi, ca poate îi punem si nas!!!

Elevul care a promovat cu cea mai mare medie bacalaureatul anul acesta s-a hotarat sa scrie o carte: “CUM A-M LOAT BACU”

Un sofer ardelean a fost prins de radar cu 224 km/h pe autostrada Transilvania. S-a mai dus un mit. Urmeaza stirea ca in Moldova nu se mai bea alcool.

Iubito! La prima noastra întâlnire când mi-ai spus ca ai propriul tau mijloc de transport, nici prin gând nu mi-a trecut ca te referi la matura..

– Azi mi-am facut C.V.-ul. L-am scris, l-am redactat, apoi m-a busit plânsul.
– De ce..?
– E pacat sa trimiti un asemenea om la munca !

Mama catre fiica:
– Draga mea, adu-mi 5 farfurii.
– Pentru?
– Trebuie sa vorbesc cu taica-tau.

Am înteles ca s-a ars neonul în baie, nu înteleg însa de ce îmi aminteste nevasta-mea de treaba asta în fiecare luna …?

Antrenorul îl linisteste pe boxerul care tocmai pierduse un meci:
– Cel putin în runda a treia l-ai speriat de moarte.
– Eu l-am speriat ??
– Da.. el a crezut ca te-a omorât.

Nu cunosc secretul succesului in viata, dar cunosc reteta esecului: sa incerci sa multumesti pe toata lumea.

Dragostea e ca maioneza: când ti se taie, o arunci si începi alta noua.

Fericiti cei ce nu fumeaza si nu beau alcool, ca aceia vor muri sanatosi!

Am un corp de zeu. Cum e al lui Buddha.


Jokes for intellectuals

2017/04/10

20 JOKES THAT ONLY INTELLECTUALS WILL UNDERSTAND

1. Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. 3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes!”

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.
They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.
The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said this is pointless” and stormed off’.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”.
To which the engineer replied, “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.

8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sifting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?”
Godel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.”
Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

14. Pavlov is sifting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”.
The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”

19. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
But after some time, the band hired a guitarist named “Meg” and got a gig


Formulas

2017/02/08

Formulas


German vs Spanish

2016/11/24

A German girl married a Spanish man and went to Spain. She didn’t know any Spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt and show her thighs to enable the seller understand her … This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana … So she took her husband to the shop … (don’t laugh, listen, you dirty minds). Because her husband speaks Spanish very well.


Thanks, JMarius


Upgrade Windows to Linux versions

2016/07/20

Micro$oft apologizes about releasing several updates that urged users to upgrade to Window$ 10 and says that the next patch will give the possibility for the users to upgrade directly to specific versions of Linux, first available being Fedora, Ubuntu and Debian.

Windows Updates

Till this will be available in the next weeks, current upgrades are at hand for tweaking several items, like renaming ‘C:’ drive to ‘root’, replacing Internet Explorer with Opera or Firefox and switching Windows Update panel with YUM Extender or Update Manager.

Nonetheless, Microsoft mentioned that although the update will be total, the old Command Prompt application will be kept, in parallel with other Linux console emulators.

With this bold move, Micro$oft hopes to gain back the popularity points it lost with the crappy attitude towards the user by forcing the Window$ 10 upgrade.


Phonetic alphabet

2016/01/25

Funny or not, International Radiotelephony Spelling Alphabet can be useful:

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-ray, Yankee, Zulu.


What’s the total ?

2016/01/21

Another total
What's the total ?


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